I take it all back

Please please please send me thousands of e-mails supporting same sex marriage. The asshats are at it again, with their stupid stupid stupid letters of stupidity. God, these people are SO DUMB. Some write short notes that say "I think homosexuality is wrong". Fine. If you're going to be hateful and discriminatory, at least make it brief and to the point. Do not send paragraph after paragraph of "AND the LORD JESUS came to MY WIFE in a vision and she cried "OH LORD, cover me in your BLOODD and here is the message that my wife was told about THE DOWNFALL OF society and BLAH BLAH BLAH I live in A BARN with my GOATS and GODDAMN WOMAN MAKE ME A SANDWICH, can't you see I'm on the COMPUTERMAJIG!@#$!$!@$!@"

The people I hate the most - HATE - are the ones who say that this will lead to the downfall of society. That society is just fine the way it is and if you change anything - ANYTHING - it will just collapse. And there's always something, isn't there? Some tolerant, forward-looking, social shift that's ABOUT TO DESTROY US ALL AAAAIIIEEE!!! Like, a hundred-odd years ago it was freeing the slaves. If you free the slaves, society as we know it will crumble! And then it was women getting the vote - next thing you know society will crumble! And men might have to make their own sandwiches!

Civil rights, right to vote for First Nations, abortion, equal pay legislation - for almost every single law that tries to make people equal, there's a vocal group of cranky grouchfaces who are all "Whah? No owning blacks? People other than white men voting? Womenfolks having control over their own bodies and chequing accounts? Sunday Night KKK call-in with Joe-Bob going off the air? Why can't things just stay the way they are!"

I just can't express how frustrating it is when someone's whole line of "reasoning" in a debate is "Change is bad". Here's a fun first-year philosophy tip - these people use a line of arguing known as the "slippery slope" fallacy, wherein your premise is that A leads to B, B leads to C, C leads to martians marrying wildebeast, and in conclusion we're all going to burn in hell.

Okay, I'm just rambling now...this whole thing started because I got a letter from a "Conserned Citizen" who informed me that if same-sex marriage laws are passed I'm going to be forced to marry my Dad and a goat, or something.

Oh well, you're all invited to the wedding, regardless.

PS. Here's an essay that made me feel better. I think it expresses exactly how I feel about a bunch of loudmouth bullies co-opting Christ (a dude whom, though I don't personally ascribe to his religion, I find to be pretty freakin' righteous and awesome) and using his name to do pretty much the opposite of what he taught.

Uncheck the box

Dear Supporters of Same-Sex Marriage,

Let me start off by saying that I'm one of you! And I love that I live in a country where, when a MP tried to introduce a discriminatory bill, thousands of people rushed to this site to voice their opinion by sending an e-mail to Parliament. But please please please - uncheck the box.

What box? The box! The one right underneath your MPs name on the letter. See it? Good. Uncheck it. Why? I'll tell you.

Because in the past week and a half most MPs have received 4596 copies of this letter - I say this because that is the amount that have come to this office. FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED NINETY SIX. And as the person who has to go through each of this e-mails and figure out by postal code if they're from a constituent and then BALEET! the remainder (about 4580) I ask you this for the sake of my index finger. 'Cause there's only so much BALEETING! one finger can take.

And the worst part is - I don't even feel good when I BALEET! these ones. I'm like, aw, another one from BC, go my province go! Oh, and BALEETED!...So please, people...uncheck the box. Canada is a wonderful tolerant society and I love it, but the only MP who cares about my opinion is my MP. That's not cynical or crass - that's democracy at its finest! Or, at least, not at its worst.

Leaving the saga of princess whiny and her love-hate affair with postal codes, I have to say that this morning was a pleasant unsurprise. I mean, nobody really expected the Supreme Court to do any different, and it's only a matter of time now before the legislation is FINALLY passed and we as Canadians can stop bickering about which genitals can marry and whether they're really married or just forming a union or as they say in Quebec, just le shacking up, and move on to things like, say, tackling child poverty, AIDS, or global security. So all in all, it was nice to start the day with a little affirmation that Canada is a pretty awesome place to live.

Although, I do have to admit that my thought process went like this when I first heard the news: "YES! Oh god, I'm going to get sooooo many e-mails..."


Apropos of nothing - this will make you laugh.

The Great Uniter, after all.

Goddamm...I had written an awesome, several-paragraph long entry, and then the server failed. No, I didn't save it. Maybe I'll try to re-create it tonight. It was about the protests on the Hill. Also it had an awesome link to the last Bush protest I was at. Sorry, that's all you're getting for now...don't cry for too long.

So Very Spoiled

It's a pretty good thing I've had a couple of really shitty (read: average student) jobs before I started this one. Otherwise I would have a pretty warped idea of what a real job is like. We get pretty spoiled here ON THE HILL compared to THE REAL WORLD
A few examples:

Sending Mail:
Buy stamps, run to the closest post office, try to figure out complicated postal system VS
Put in appropriate size envelope - no postage necessary. Put in "Out" box by door. Magical mail fairies do the rest.

Ordering Supplies:
Get supervisor's approval. Fill out requisition forms in triplicate. Shop around for cheapest prices. Arrange pick-up or delivery VS Go to the "One Stop Shop" in the basement. Choose from catalogue. Free metallic gold pens for everyone!!!

Computer Maintenance:
None. Or else you have to arrange and budget for it VS Nice lady shows up with kit one day and says "May I clean your computer for you?"

Perks:
Boss buys you a drink at Christmas party VS Constant partying with various lobby groups that want to buy influence your boss, but he's not there so instead you get his share of free booze, food, gifts and entertainment.

I know it all sounds pretty good, but there is a downside - a lot of the people I work with are raging assholes.

A good example of this was the other night when I was attending a lobby group event and pretending to be important when really I just wanted my free stuff. This particular event was being hosted at the Capitol Music Hall by the CCMIC (Canadian Coalition for Music in Canada? I think). Our whole office went, and we were pretty stoked when we got there to find out that, in addition to the free booze, food and CDs, there would be live performances. My first twinge of excitement came when I saw Jully Black over by the shrimp cocktail - and was she ever working the "white jacket - silver bra" look. No seriously, she's hottt.

Turns out, she was hosting the event with Jim Cuddy (he of Blue Rodeo) and this guy...oh, whatshisname...you know...TOM COCHRANE. So yeah, it was pretty awesome, and Shaye was there, and Bruce Cockburn was there, and there were other awesome acts from Saskatchewan and Quebec and Nunavut and Keshia Chante (AIEEE!!! - is what I'd say if I was 14 and/or a boy) was there and they all rocked the stage.

So all of us from the office were up by the front, singing along and doing that kinda dancing thing people do at concerts or parties when they're feeling the music but not yet drunk enough to dance for real. But everyone else? OH.MY.GOD. People were standing around NETWORKING. Talking, trading cards, checking their freaking Blackberrys...it got to the point where TOM COCHRANE HAD TO ASK THEM TO LISTEN. I was, holy shit, we got free food, free drinks, a free CD, and now you have to be asked politely to listen to some of the best music in the world?

Like I said - a lot of the people I work with are raging assholes.

Despite this, Jully still got Tom to play "Life is a Highway" and it was just a big jam session with all the artists coming out and it was just so freakin' awesome that even the most pretentious snot heads from the second level turned off their cellphones and kinda danced.

Now that my mandatory two-week wait period is up:

I can finally pick up my handgun! Juuuuust kidding. Like I want to shoot myself in the foot. Or the face. Or anywhere at all, for that matter.

Actually, what I was waiting for was two weeks of cool-down time after the U.S. election. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that the results mean four more years of this (and also this, which is awesome but not quite enough to make a Bush mandate worthwhile) but I think I've calmed down enough to talk about reactions to this recent Bushwhack.

There seems to be lots of coverage of disenfranchised American liberals looking north for greener pastures. And on the one hand, I feel for them. I mean, Bush robbed Gore last time around, but this time he actually won based on a majority of Americans being - and I hate to generalize, but, c'mon - total bitchfaced asshats. And I know that if I suddenly found out that the majority of my country were basically angry conservatives, I'd sure as hell want out too. So I completely understand why some U.S. citizens are desperately looking for a way out. And, considering the gains that the Conservative Party made here last election, I'm definitely willing to greet my peace-lovin', tree-huggin', same-sex smoochin', civil rights respectin' compatriots from the south to help tip the balance back.

HOWEVER (and you know this must be important because it's all caps, and normally I hate all caps because IT'S LIKE BEING SHOUTED AT SERIOUSLY DID YOU FLUNK KINDERGARTEN WHEN THEY TEACH YOU WHEN TO USE THE BIG LETTER AND WHEN TO USE THE SMALL ONES???!!!) while the liberal Americans are certainly welcome here, they're really much more needed right where they are. Actually, not so much where they are (San Francisco, New York City) but more where they're not (Florida, Ohio, Texas). Instead of fleeing to Canada, we should be fleeing to them!

See, when roommie Mo and I went to see "Farenheit 9-11" and, we came out thinking "What can we do to stop Bush?" And what we came up with was liberal Canadians marrying Americans and taking Yankee citizenship to vote against the rapid conservatization of the U.S., which is a country that, while much lamer, is also much more influential than our own. To paraphrase the great philospher Denis Leary: "The rest of the world, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got the bomb, OK? "

So - who wants to marry an Mississippian?

My country 'tis of thee

So, I was walking down Wellington Street the other day, and I looked down the road a bit to Langevin building - the Prime Minister's Office. A funny little thought struck me - what other country in the world has the office of the head of government plunked right on a busy street corner? Maybe, like, Fiji or something.

I mean, think of the White House, all fenced off and guarded by snipers and anti-aircraft missiles, and dogs, or bees, or dogs with bees in their mouths so that when they bark, they shoot bees. Meanwhile, our Prime Minister issues a press release about when he will be greeting trick or treaters at 24 Sussex. No, really. He did.

So how come we can do this? How can we be so sure that no one's going to park a car filled with explosives at Elgin and Wellington, or hide a gun under their Harry Potter cloak, or break-off from their public tour of Parliament and judo chop the PM as he walks down the hall?

I'm thinking because even if there's people out there who hate - HATE! - P.M. the PM, it's a "my taxes are too high" kind of hate. Which is markedly different from the "my son died in a war started under false pretences to guarantee the President's re-election" kind of hate. Or, as is the case in many countries "my life and the life of my loved ones are in constant threat of brutal murder at the hands of his death squad" kind of hate.

I mean, really? We have it pretty good here. I'm not saying we're a perfect country, 'cause we're not - c'mon, this is kind of a sham - but all in all we have very few legitimate complaints about our country. Like, yesterday I forgot to bring an umbrella and it started hailing as I walked home and then I walked too close to the curb and this bus drove by and splashed me twice as it drove through a big puddle...that was a bad day for me. I mean, I was soaked right up to my scarf! And people saw and SMIRKED! It was HORRIBLE!!!

ahem...Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate a country where people can make a point without resorting to violence. Not that we're violence-free (although there's certainly less violence now ) - but at least our violence is creamy and delicious!

You know you've been working on the Hill too long when:

1) Plagiarism is not only accepted, it's expected. Got a speech to write? Use someone else's talking points! Press release? Take the PM's and put your name on it! Original thoughts or words? Takes too much time! Citations? We don't need to stinkin' citations!!

2) You start to talk in acronyms. "Well, the PMO wants the DOCs of the RMs to have the MLs done, or else his DPA might step in ASAP." God, people like that are so IRRITATING! I catch myself doing it and I just want to kick myself right in the teeth.

3) You have nightmares where the House unanimously appoints you as the Speaker, and it's like being a new substitute teacher in a class of 308 rowdy adolescents who are trying to make you cry and they're all talking at once and horsing around and when you yell at one of them it turns out it's Alexa McDonough and she fixes you with a death stare and you're all "Um, sorry" and then you're trying to address members by their riding and you're reading your little seating chart and it's all jumbled and you wind up saying stuff like "The Honourable Member from Oolong" and then Stephen Harper is all "Pick me! Pick me!" but you can't remember what part of Calgary he's from and no one will tell you...

4) When you get e-mails like
"Liberal Cabinet Ministers do need to note IT IS A TOO TYPICAL OTTAWA JUSTICE MINISTER HYPOCRISY FOR THEY IN OTTAWA GOT THEIR BUDGET SURPLUS WRONGFULLY BY SAVING MONEY ON PROSECUTING THE TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO STEAL EXPENSIVE RINGS, TAX EVADERS, DRUG USERS AND DRUG PUSHERS, DRUNK AND DRUG IMPAIRED DRIVERS, COURT LIARS, ALL OF THE BAD JUDGES, BAD POLICE, BAD CIVIL BAD PUBLIC SERVANTS, BAD CABINET MINISTERS AND ALL OF BAD PEOPLE WHO ABUSED, ABUSE THE TAX PAYERS MONEY.. ALL STILL UNACCEPTABLE."

5) When the most satisfying part of your day is getting e-mails like that and deleting them while shouting BALEETED! I'm getting good at reading just the subject line and maybe the opening sentence before:

"FW: Is Canada a Real Country? Canada, as a country, is finished !! When Quebec can speak for Canada and Quebec can do anything it wants because..." BALEETED!

"A WIDOW FROM IRAQ Dear sirr do not feel bad for this e-mail more so because I am offering an business proposition. My husband was killed in the US invasion but left me 20 million dollars for this I am writing you thru internet.." BALEETED!

"RE:: Undeniable Muslim immoral Politics in Canada" BALEETED!

"CONGRATULATIONS,YOU HAVE WON. " BALEETED!

"Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!" BA...nah...this one's a keeper.