Random acts of wingnuttery

Via Pandagon, I found this site which details email forwards that get sent around by in wingnut circles. It's funny and terrifying at the same time (kind of like the movie Jesus Camp, where the Jeebus-fuelled antics of youngsters had me both cackling hysterically and hiding curled up in the fetal position, quaking in fear, under a blanket - sometimes both at the same time, like with adorable Levi with his spectacular rat-tail and precocious charm and public-speaking skills...which he used to preach fire and brimstone to his fellow pre-teens) in the way that only demonstrations of extraordinary ignorance coupled with insane amounts of hate can be.

"I may need a haircut, but you're going to hell!"

I've been on the receiving end of only a couple of these types of wingnutty emails (none that were nearly as bad as the ones on this site, thanks be to the Spaghetti Monster), but the few times it happened it's always a bit awkward. They only come from one family member (and people who know me can probably guess which gun-totin', rural-living', government-distrustin' one that is) who also happens to be someone I love, respect and admire. So what do you do when they display random acts of wingnuttery?

I've mostly taken the same stance with these types of forwards as the ones that tell me to Forward This to 10 Friends and Make a Wish and it Will Come True But If You Don't Your Hair Will Fall Out and You Will Get Scabies (Whatever That Is), or Bill Gates Will Donate $$$ If u Forrward this MessAge, or DANGER! my neigbor's SON/daughter/Goldfish was killed/raped/eaten because of HOT COFFEE EXPLODING IN THE MICROWAVE/Perfume bottels with DATE_RAPE druggs/HE tasted GOOD - ignore them.

This policy has worked pretty well for me in terms of emails, but it's often harder in person. I love me a good argument, but sometimes the time is just wrong, like the very uncomfortable Christmas dinner a few years ago where the host (a lovely man who is wonderful in many many ways) started in on the rabbi who had requested a menorah be included in the Christmas display at the Seattle airport, and how this was proof of the WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!! and part of the larger WAR ON AFFLUENT, STRAIGHT WHITE PEOPLE (PARTICULARLY MEN)!!!

Unfortunately, we were just about to eat, so I didn't have any delicious turkey on my plate, so I was actually listening to the conversation instead of stuffing my face and thinking "mmmm...tuuuurkey", and as a result I jumped in with "They could have just put up the menorah" at which point the conversation went south very quickly, and ended with the assertion that since Christian soldiers fought in WWII, Jews can never complain about anything, ever again.

Well, I couldn't think of which one of the approximately two hundred million things that are wrong with that statement to address first, then his daughter managed to change the subject, and the turkey was awesome, and we're still close with them, but boy did that memory stick out in my mind when I saw that website.

How about you guys? Any random acts of wingnuttery you've had to deal with?

Chuck Norris can and should roundhouse-kick himself in the face

I’m not going to link to Townhall, where this was posted, for a number of reasons (not wanting to boost traffic to their particular brand of unabashed pseudo-journalism being, surprisingly, secondary to how goddamn buggy their site was), so if you want to read the whole thing, you’ll have to use your google-fu. But here’s some highlights from Chuck Norris's recent column (yes, he has propelled himself into the realm of conservative punditry thanks only to his resurgent internet fame and cancer-curing tears) on the national backlash after Proposition 8 was passed in California:

There were many of us who passionately opposed Obama, but you don't see us protesting in the streets or crying "unfair." Rather, we are submitting to a democratic process and now asking how we can support "our" president. Just because we don't like the election outcome doesn't give us the right to bully those who oppose us….

And what exactly is this bullying that’s going on? Only the most terrible kind:

You even can find donor blacklists online. The lists include everyone who financially backed Prop. 8 -- even those who gave as little as $46 -- with the obvious objective that these individuals will be bantered and boycotted for doing so.

Yes, refusing to give money to individuals and organizations (and engaging them in a series of witty quips and catchy one-liners? Like, “Hey, if God wanted two men to get married, he would have made Adam and Steve!” “Well, if God wanted me to roundhouse-kick you in the face, he would have given me a foot, and you a face!” “Well, you’ve got me theOOOMPH”) is apparently a form of bullying. I guess I bullied about 17 different homeless people on my way to work, not to mention a Domino's, Subway and bookstore-that's-really-a-front-for-marijuana-dealing.

In his defense, he’s not the only one pushing this particular argument - that protesting Prop 8 is EVEN MORE WORSE UH HUH than initiating, organizing and funding a campaign aimed devaluing and defaming a particular group of people's lives, relationships and families - but in his…opposite of defense, just because lots of people say something doesn’t make him any less of a douchebag for saying it.

Because having your rights taken away by your fellow citizens in a referendum is not the same thing as having the other guy win the presidential election. Repeat after me: An election is not the same thing as a referendum. The former is the process by which citizens choose the representatives who will carry out legislative duties, the latter is, for all intents and purposes, a legally-binding poll of self-selecting individuals. Just because they both involve checking a box doesn’t make them morally equivalent actions. Representatives are chosen by the majority because that's just. Laws aren't chosen by the majority because that's just stupid.

In fact, the whole reason we have elections is so we don’t have to have referendums. We elect people to make laws so that they aren’t enacted by freakin’ popularity contest. The masses, we are not infallible - we’re irrational, prone to knee-jerk reactions and most of us lack the resources, knowledge, or desire to actual educate ourselves on anything beyond the current number of Brangelina’s kids. (Seven, apparently.) Not to mention an inherent flaw in the system, which Chuckie unsurprisingly highlights unironically:

What's wrong with this picture? Lots.

First, there's the obvious inability of the minority to accept the will of the majority.

THE STUPID! IT BURNS! Hey, I know, let’s have a referendum on whether people named “Chuck” can own property. I call shotgun on all the Walker, Texas Ranger blooper reels! Sorry, pal, but it’s the will of the majority! Oh, and also, women*, black people, First Nations, all other visible minorities, non-landowning males, and persons with disabilities, you may start quaking in fear….now.

And then there’s this jem:

I agree with Prison Fellowship's founder, Chuck Colson, who wrote: "This is an outrage. What hypocrisy from those who spend all of their time preaching tolerance to the rest of us! How dare they threaten and attack political opponents? We live in a democratic country, not a banana republic ruled by thugs."

Expressing outrage at people who voted to take away your rights is “hypocritical”? Being upset with business-owners who took your money knowingly and then donated it to a campaign to take away your rights is “hypocritical”? Protesting against a business or institution that contributed hundreds, thousands, or millions to devalue your family and relationships, all the while claiming they were about protecting families and relationships, is “hypocritical”?

I can’t believe the entitlement these people have. “I’m allowed to do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and invest lots of time and money into pushing the agenda that I want, with no repercussions whatsoever! If you complain, or criticize, or push back, you are a hypocrite!”

You know – ‘cause it’s not like the fundies ever boycott or protest anything. Oh wait, but they’re doing it for Jesus**, so it’s okay.

Better start now, Chuck - the line-up for roundhouse-kicks to the face is starting to get pretty long.

*Yes, I know women aren’t technically a minority. That doesn’t stop dudes (and self-hating non-dudes) from continually trying to stomp on women’s rights through popular vote.

**That would be Republican Jesus, of course, not the actual “Love God, judge not, blessed are the poor” Jesus.

RELATED POSTS:

• Keith Olbermann on Prop 8
• Dan Savage vs. Tony Perkins on Anderson Cooper
• From the mouths of morons
  

This girl kicks ass!

Just stumbled across the story of 15-year-old Ava Lowrey from Alabama, a peace activist who makes Flash animations protesting the war.  The story, as far as I understand it, is that she's made over 70 of these animations, gone on CNN (interviewed by a complete MORON - honestly - needs to be seen to be believed) and received (surprise surprise!) numerous death threats, a lot of which related to her "WWJD" animation, in which she has the unbelievable audacity and unrepentant gall to imply that were Jesus around today, He probably wouldn't be first in the "Indiscrimate-killing-of-Iraqi-children" line. 

Yes, that's right - her animation attempts to show that war is un-Christian, using a hymn, passages from the Bible, and some downright heartbreaking photos of the consequences of violent conflict view it here). 

She's a truly courageous person to stand up to the groups and invididuals who are co-opting (what I'm assuming is) her religion. The extent to which Christianity has been hijacked for political and personal motives by extremist groups is both tragic and terrifying.  These people that hide behind the cross (or any other religion) in order to spew ignorance and hate need to be unmasked and disowned by the truly faithful.   Non-religious types need to do their part as well, by not referring to the aggressive hatebots as representatives of a religion.  Ann Coulter isn't a Christian, she's a marketing tool.  (And just kind of a tool in general).  Osama whatshisface isn't a Muslim, he's a cold-blooded psychopath.  Doesn't matter if they self-described as such - if just saying you were something made you that something, then this world would have a hell of a lot more astronaut-rock star-veterinarian-presidents.

March for Life? Fuck off and die

Thank Jebus it only comes once a year, or my head would asplode faster than you can say "Get your own damn uterus!"

Yes, it's the effin' March for Life on Parliament Hill.

I haven't dared do much more than peer out my window, lest I be overcome with the temptation to bash their stupid faces in with their "yes, of course an 8-week old fetus has arms, legs, and eyes, as you can clearly see in this totally accurate photo of a helpless aborted baby" signs.

I just...I can't. I just can't face these people. There is no reasoning with someone who believes that they are divine champions on a holy quest to be saviour to zygotes cannon-fodder adorable little cherubic angels trapped inside an demonic incubator-thing that ridiculously purports to be an actual, living human being with, like, "rights" or something.

What drives me bonkers is that these people are trying to frame the argument in that if you support abortion rights, than you despise babies. Well, I've always known I wanted to have kids. I want to have kids because I want to experience the full power of my body, a woman's body. I want to have kids because I've always loved kids. I want to have kids so that when I grow old I'll have people to nag about not calling me who'll listen 'cause they want whatever's left of my wealth that didn't go to feeding, clothing and educating them.

Whatever the reason - I WANT to have kids. But I want to have them WHEN I want to have them, under the circumstances I choose, with whom I choose, by whatever methods I choose, and that means controlling my reproduction by contraception, emergency contraception, or abortion, and it doesn't matter how much of a sinful whore you think I am, random old guy with a sign, because there's all of four men whose advice I would seek on pregnancy, and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM, and it doesn't matter how fervently you pray, scary young woman my age, you are not going to influence my decision on whether or not to abort, and angry little grandma? Congrats on your daughter's fertility, but fuck off about mine. And fuck off about everyone woman or man out there who DOESN'T want kids, for whatever reason, because it is none of your GODDAMN BUSINESS.

These people, with their righteous anger and their holier-than-thou smugness, and their, "Big Daddy and the sky loves me more than you, nya nya nya" make me physically ill. How they courageously speak up for non-sentient blobs of tissue while ACTUAL, HONEST-TO-GOD children are being starved, beaten, abandoned, abused, exploited, and so forth; how they act like they are all "pro-life" for wanting to impose motherhood on woman, even though pregnancy is more dangerous than abortion; how they probably pray every night for this to be invented...

There are six billion people on this effin' planet. We are not likely to die out any time soon. We are likely to kill each other in a variety of increasingly diverse ways and poison our environment beyond habitability. Drop the anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-reason argument and go and do something that God ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT.

Maaaan...would you believe me that today's post was originally going to be on the suckitude of Hollywood Homicide and the awesomeness of my high school rugby team? See? The fundies RUIN EVERYTHING.

How the Mighty Have Fallen (Prey to Flawed Arguments and Rhetoric)

As I have mentioned before, my job exposes me to pretty much every single publication circulated in the entire country. A lot of them immediately get filed in the big blue bin (sorry, Ontario Chicken Farmers), but some of them get read cover to cover as soon as I have a spare moment. And, perhaps because I am some sort of crazed masochist (I prefer to think of it as knowing my enemy but hey! po-tay-to, po-tah-to), this includes a trinity of newsletters from organizations whose very existence confuses and enrages me: REAL Women of Canada, Campaign Life Coalition, and LifeCanada.

So when the latter of these arrived today, a took a quick moment to scan through it, looking for irrefutable evidence that I am a shameless whore who God will punish with all forms of terrible STDs and cancers (if only those damn scientists would stop discovering treatments for them) (ASIDE: DD and I were going through customs together in Vancouver, and the officer was this, like, New Yorker with the accent and everything, and we were all "Oh, we're travelling together but we're not family and that's why we each filled out a declaration card" and he's all "So, living in sin, huh? Have a nice cruise!" and that was it. Maybe he didn't get the memo that I am a shameless whore).

Anyway, I'm looking through the newsletter, and it got me angry for approximately 30 seconds, then sad, then angry, then hopeful (they do actually have some good stuff in there, dealing with issues like stem cell research, euthenasia, rights of the disabled, and other topics that often get overlooked by other groups too caught up in the glamourous world of showing pictures of aborted foetuses), then angry again, then angst-ridden, and then I would have normally forgetten about it except for an article on the very back page. And I'm reading it, and it's an anti-abortion piece presenting about a half-dozen totally flawed arguments, but written with this folksy, down-home humour and gentle irreverence and I'm thinking "I know this writing style" and then I see the name and I'm all "No. Shit. Doctor Dave!"

Now, O-towners won't know this name, but back home, he was known to many as a doctor, a columnist, father of an crazy-talented and super sweet daughter who also played on my softball team, which he, incidentally, coached.

Oh, Doctor Dave...I wish LifeCanada had this recent issue up so y'all could read along at home, but you'll have to read now and fact-check later. Thing is, I have a ton of respect for this man, and he's done a lot for a lot of people, and he really is a likeable guy, and so it pains me to no end to have him write things like:

Every child is wanted. Every pregnancy is not [...] Doctors constantly
receive requests from those who would love the opportunity to raise a
child. Every child is wanted... by someone.

Which - nice sentiment, but try telling that to these kids. And then, this gem:

Q)What about a woman's right to do with her body as she pleases?
A: It is against the law for a woman to sell her body or do certain things
to or with it [maybe it shouldn't be, then!-Floyd]. But a growing fetus
is, in fact, not her body...An appendix or a toenail is part of our body but a fetus is a distinct society.

Dude - you are...a doctor. Like, an actual medical doctor. And, I have heard, a good one. So, this? Is a little weak, coming from you. This one reminds me of an argument I had in high school with Rikki about whether or not one could "fall off" of one's shoes, which she said one could, whereas I maintained that one could only "fall out" of one's shoes, and said argument went all the way to our English teacher, who soundly crushed me by siding on the "fall off and/or fall out" end of things. "Part of her body", "in her body", see above: po-tay-to, po-tah-to. (Also see - "Straw Man") Bottom line - HER BODY.

Also - man, is Quebec going to be le pissed when they realizes that foetuses everywhere beat them to the "distinct society" sucker punch. Also - man, are women everywhere going to be la pissed when they realize that their is a distinct society inside their wombs and the government starts to try to fund heritage and unity events up there ("Please, ma'am, just one "Canada" banner?" "NO!").

There's more, but this post has already taken me through half a Law & Order: SVU, a brand-new Lost, the inevitable Kevin Covais elimination and now the latter part of Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life (honestly? I think I am kinda in love with the awesomeness that is Angelina. Her hotness transcends all known sexual orientations. Huh... sort of like this guy's), and threatens to take me all the way to the midnight rebroadcast of The Daily Show.

So, unlike the comprehensive lists of arguments against abortions with appropriate rebuttals which I had intended, I will leave you with the thought that even smart, generous, and educated people will often sacrifice accuracy in favour of humour (no, I don't mean me...well, not just me :)); that even the best of us can fall prey to fallacious arguments when our most sacred beliefs are being debated; and that Angelina Jolie is like, way hot.

The Writing's on the Wall

One of the bathrooms at DD’s parents’ house is decorated with this whimsical wallpaper made up entirely of folksy sayings like “Children are a joy in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too”, or “Just when you make ends meet, somebody moves the ends”. One of my favourites is “You grow up the first time you have your first real laugh at yourself”. It reminds me not to take myself so seriously. It also reminds me that there are a few people out there who could use that advice. Like, maybe, people who are committing acts of violence over a handful of cartoons.

When the story about these controversial ‘toons started gaining momentum this last month, I did what any average web-literate person in a free and democratic country would do: I googled them. My search led me to this article, and when I scrolled down to the cartoons, I was shocked. Shocked that buildings were being burned, death threats were being uttered and boycotts were being launched, all over a dozen editorial cartoons that, had they featured any other religion, wouldn’t have even made the news as much as Paris Hilton’s need for Depends did.

(Personally, I laughed my ass off at the one about heaven running out of virgins, because I always wondered a)where they got all these virgins, and b)what said virgins had done to deserve becoming the sexual slaves of suicide bombers in the afterlife, and c)no seriously, what gives with all the virgins?)

I’m not saying that some people aren’t genuinely offended by these cartoons. I am saying…how to put this delicately…"tough titty". One of the tenets of a liberal democracy is free and independent media. That means that sometimes, we are going to see things that offend us to the point where the next time we’re in a pharmacy and we see some ignorant prick buying Axe deodorant we want to smack him upside the head and scream “THIS WILL NOT MAKE RANDOM HOT GIRLS FUCK YOU! GET A GODDAMN PERSONALITY! AND A JOB! AND A BELIEF IN THE PRINCIPLES OF GENDER EQUALITY!”

“But!” people might say, “That is not the same thing! Here, they are making fun of religion!”

What? Oh my Intelligent Designer! Making fun of religion, you say! Why, no one’s ever done that before! Nope, never in the history of the world, right up until this very moment, has anyone ever mocked any religion whatsoever. IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED EVER. In a completely unrelated note: Do not look here. Or here. Or here. Or here. And do not google “religious jokes” because you will not find anything. Nope, nothing to see here folks! Move along, now, move along. (Also, definitely do not turn your speakers all the way up and look here or here.)

And yes, I am aware that you are not supposed to draw Muhammad. I know this because it is written in every article on this story, or told to me in somber voice over by well-coiffed news anchor. I also know this because I studied Islam in university, and while I’m not saying that taking three religious studies courses make me in anyway an expert on the subject, it does make me slightly more qualified than a whole slew of journalists and politicians who don’t seem to know the five pillars of Islam from the menu at their local shawarma joint; or their own religion for that matter. Because the whole thing about not drawing Muhammad? ONLY APPLIES TO MUSLIMS. So all you non-muslims out there? Doodle to your hearts' content. I drew Muhammad in my journal the other night. He’s saying “Don’t quit your day job”. Good freakin’ advice.

Also, this ban against drawing Muhammad? Not actually in the Qur’an. What is there is a condemnation of idolatry; that is, worshipping an object or image that may or may not be intended to represent God. The hadith (recorded oral tradition) forbids pictorial art of any sacred figures – these include not only Muhammad, but also Jesus and Moses, who are also considered prophets in Islam. Now we already know those other two guys/guy and saviour have been pictorialized to high heaven, seemingly without provoking riots. Does anyone out there believe that in almost a millennium and a half of Islam, a dozen editorial cartoonists are the first people ever to break this last tradition? That some tiny Scandinavian newspaper sullied this previously virgin (heh) territory? That some Danish editor was the first person ever in the history of the world to come up with the genius idea to draw Muhammad? I’ve got two words for that: Bull. Shit.

Also? Stop presenting this “Muslims are forbidden to practice idolatry” as if it’s some new and novel idea that nobody ever thought of before. Because I’m pretty sure Judaism beat them to the punch by several thousand years. Which means that Jews, Christians, and Muslims alike are all forbidden to create images of God. Which, again, obviously means that that has never happened, and should it have happened, it would have happened in some dirty, dank den of iniquity by filthy atheists and would certainly not be a celebrated piece of religious art displayed at the heart of a sacred place. Nope!

Which is why my beef is not only with (and I’m not going to call them Muslims because they are no more Muslim then the raging asshats at the anti-SSM march are Christian) the Islamic fundies who are causing this shit, but also with the Western media. Sweet Shesus, has it actually come to the point where I’m actually agreeing with right-wing superstar Ezra Levant? Has hell, if it exists, finally frozen over? Because Canada, the US and the UK (among others) are all “We’re not running these cartoons out of respect” and Ezra is all, “It’s not out of respect, it’s out of fear” and I am all “Amen, Ezra” and then I’m all “What the fuck? Did I just say that?” and then I’m all freaking out, curled up in the fetal position in the corner, rocking and moaning and wondering what the fuck happened to this world that people are being killed over cartoons and I’m with agreeing Eazy-L.

See, I too had thought of posting the cartoons here. And I didn’t, for two very good reasons: a)I don’t know how to load pictures on my blog, which is currently number one on my “blog to-do” list, followed closely by updating my layout and getting an RSS feed; and 2)I’m highly suggestible, in the sense that seeing the cover of the movie “Jaws” at age five prevented me from learning how to swim because I refused to put my back to the water. Yes, I was in a pool. Yes, I know it’s stupid, and there’s no monsters in my closet, no knife-wielding maniac in my bathroom, and the only person under the stairs is my roommate. But we’re just people, and threats of violence, real or imaginary, scare us. So I don’t blame editors or producers for being scared to show these images, but I do blame them for pretending it’s for some other reason.

Because censorship is really at the root of this problem. Other than one paper in Egypt, the images haven’t been published. Most protestors haven’t seen them. Some may have seen copies, others have seen false images designed to stir up angry protest.

People are dying because of these cartoons, and I am sick of being told that I don’t need to see them. When someone denies the Holocaust, I am told what he said, I am able to judge for myself and form my own opinions, whatever they may be.

So when people riot over supposedly racist cartoons (which, they’re not, since Islam is a religion and not a racial group), I want to know what all the fuss is about. When the head of the Canadian Islamic Congress says that he’s considering charges against the Western Standard for distributing hate literature, arguably one of the most serious offences in Canada, how am I supposed to know whether or not I agree? How can the accused defend himself fairly without being allowed to show us and say “Here. Here they are! What’s inciting more hatred against Muslims – a handful of cartoons, or images of violence, death threats, and declarations of war?”

When we are not allowed to judge for ourselves, when we are given half the story, no story, or the wrong story, then we are being manipulated. We become tools, or weapons, for the goals of others. We don’t need less freedom of the press, we need more, and we need it right now and we need it everywhere.

And, for the love of God, we need to step back, have a good laugh, and grow the fuck up.

I take it all back

Please please please send me thousands of e-mails supporting same sex marriage. The asshats are at it again, with their stupid stupid stupid letters of stupidity. God, these people are SO DUMB. Some write short notes that say "I think homosexuality is wrong". Fine. If you're going to be hateful and discriminatory, at least make it brief and to the point. Do not send paragraph after paragraph of "AND the LORD JESUS came to MY WIFE in a vision and she cried "OH LORD, cover me in your BLOODD and here is the message that my wife was told about THE DOWNFALL OF society and BLAH BLAH BLAH I live in A BARN with my GOATS and GODDAMN WOMAN MAKE ME A SANDWICH, can't you see I'm on the COMPUTERMAJIG!@#$!$!@$!@"

The people I hate the most - HATE - are the ones who say that this will lead to the downfall of society. That society is just fine the way it is and if you change anything - ANYTHING - it will just collapse. And there's always something, isn't there? Some tolerant, forward-looking, social shift that's ABOUT TO DESTROY US ALL AAAAIIIEEE!!! Like, a hundred-odd years ago it was freeing the slaves. If you free the slaves, society as we know it will crumble! And then it was women getting the vote - next thing you know society will crumble! And men might have to make their own sandwiches!

Civil rights, right to vote for First Nations, abortion, equal pay legislation - for almost every single law that tries to make people equal, there's a vocal group of cranky grouchfaces who are all "Whah? No owning blacks? People other than white men voting? Womenfolks having control over their own bodies and chequing accounts? Sunday Night KKK call-in with Joe-Bob going off the air? Why can't things just stay the way they are!"

I just can't express how frustrating it is when someone's whole line of "reasoning" in a debate is "Change is bad". Here's a fun first-year philosophy tip - these people use a line of arguing known as the "slippery slope" fallacy, wherein your premise is that A leads to B, B leads to C, C leads to martians marrying wildebeast, and in conclusion we're all going to burn in hell.

Okay, I'm just rambling now...this whole thing started because I got a letter from a "Conserned Citizen" who informed me that if same-sex marriage laws are passed I'm going to be forced to marry my Dad and a goat, or something.

Oh well, you're all invited to the wedding, regardless.

PS. Here's an essay that made me feel better. I think it expresses exactly how I feel about a bunch of loudmouth bullies co-opting Christ (a dude whom, though I don't personally ascribe to his religion, I find to be pretty freakin' righteous and awesome) and using his name to do pretty much the opposite of what he taught.