Thursday, September 23, 2004

Raging Bullshit

So - I was going to post something about the stupid assholes who write toM.P.s about stupid horrible things. For about two weeks, my day was punctuated by angry e-mails/letters from people who are concerned that

a) Gay marriage is going to destroy families, society, the world and THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

b) Women who get abortions are EVIL MURDEROUS SLUTS AIIIIEEEE!!!

c) People who want to start a new life in Canada are going to steal our jobs, our resources, our candy, AND OUR VERY SOULS AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!

And so on, and so forth. You can only imagine what it was like getting these - mostly in mass mailing which I should have just deleted but couldn't help but read much like when you drive past an accident on the highway and can't avert your eyes - day in and day out. I went from "Laura, chipper new employee" to "Laura, employee who wants to put people in a wood chipper". In particular was this dude - er, no, dickwad who sent two different e-mails that will be used in my defence at the murder trial.

His first e-mail was against gay marriage, because: (see if you can follow this logic)

-During the 20th century, various wars resulted in the drafting of working-age men into the military
-White-collar instutions - banks, etc. - stopped hiring men because they didn't want their workforce to be drafted
-These institutions only hire women - except for management [because we couldn't manage our way out of a wet paper bag, tee hee!] - since they are ineligible for the draft
-Therefore, only women can get decent white-collar employment, while men cannot
-However, women [are shallow and callous and] will only marry a man who can support them [because we couldn't support ourselves out of a wet paper bag, tee hee!]
-Since men can't find decent jobs due to discrimination by white-collar male managers who fear the drafting of their workforce, and women only marry men who get decent jobs, the legalization of gay marriage would mean that women would only marry each other.

Um, so at first I didn't really know what his point was. I mean, was he angry that there was all this hot lesbian sex going on and he was never going to be a part of it? Did he think that gay people were just materialistic - all, "I love you, Brian, but Cindy here has a Porsche"? Did he think the only thing men had going for them in the mating game was the size of their wallet (which in his case is probably true)? I mean - is he angry at homosexuals, corporations, women, the government, whom?

Well, he must have heard my ponderings, because he soon dispatched a second mass e-mail. And the answer is...EVERYBODY! This guy is angry at everybody. I mean, everybody. Yes, you too. He doesn't know you, but he hates you! Especially if you have a uterus, but also everybody in the whole world! He is the angriest dude ever. Knowing this, I had to check out the gory pile-up at - but really, I should have just kept driving. It was a mistake. He is an angry, hateful man whose writing ruined my week.

Why all the hate? Why all the anger from him and all the other people who are just incensed over these issues? Why are they spending their precious lives trying to protect "marriage" when god knows how many starving children (and I mean, God knows) are all "Um, how about protecting me?" Why is marriage/abortion/immigration/etc. consuming every moment of their lives? WHAT ARE THEY SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT?????!$#$@%!%

Ahem...anyway, I don't know the answer, but I have a theory. Canada is moving forward. We are moving toward an inclusive and diverse culture where differences are respected and celebrated. And these angry people? I'm guessing they're pretty much lame in every respect, and the only thing going for them was (in their own minds) that at least they had more rights than homosexuals/immigrants/women/etc. No matter how much of a failure they were, they always felt morally superior to minority groups. And now? Canada is trying to give the same rights and privileges to every Canadian. And that pisses certain people off. Stupid, insecure, hypocritical people are now panicking because we're leaving behind the days of discrimination and that was the only edge they had. Now it's slipping through their fingers and there's not a goddamn thing they can do about it.

Anyway - I don't know if my theory is true, but it makes me feel better.

Also - I hope that I have succesfully enabled the "Comments" option, so I would really like to here thoughts on this subject. Or, y'know, on the subject of "Who kicks more ass - Kirk or Picard?"

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

And a small Australian shall lead them...

One of my favourite perks of the new job so far, aside from the solid gold office chair that says "Hey Taxpayers, Kiss my A**!", is receiving every single special-interest newsletter in the known galaxy. Accountants, firefighters, miners, accountants who like to fight fires in mines, etc. - everyone who's anyone has something out in circulation these days. Today, the protestant Christian Week and The Catholic Register tried to co-exist in the office mailbox. I browsed through both of them, as I am wont to do, both for my own enlightenment (like, who knew that "catechumenate" was a word?), and for an endless supply of giggles (c'mon..."catechumenate"??? Hee!) .

Anyway, to make a dumb story short, both papers ran a full-page add for The Passion of the Christ on their back page. Maybe Northern Ireland isn't a lost cause after all - thanks, Mel! Now if only you could deal with that pesky anti-semitism thing...