Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Smile or die!!!

Howdy, fellas. I was reading an article this morning about how happy people live longer than angry, bitter, yelling people (I'm paraphrasing a bit here) and seeing as I have of late been more of the latter than the former, I'm trying to turn that angry scowl upside down. Let's see how far I get!

So what's the big news today - well, God has a new best friend! It was pretty surreal when the CBC Newsworld broadcast (which is on all the time in my office and is so repetitive that even a notorious TV addict like myself now tunes it out) consisted of, for about 7-8 minutes, Don Newman trying to think of things to say over a screen shot of smoke coming out of that itty bitty chimney before the results had been confirmed. He was all "And the smoke...well, it looks grey to me. [pause] Before, the smoke was really...it was really, quite black. [pause] Again, this appears more grey than white or black. Black, of course, means that the conclave has not elected a new pope. [pause] White would mean that there would be a new pontiff. [pause] Pontiff is another word for pope. And the conclave is the group that elects the pope. With [pause] either black or white smoke, that tells us if there's a new pope or not. [pause] Or pontiff, if you prefer that term."

Actually, he did a very good job; it was just funny because I could imagine him talking over this image of a chimney while staff frantically ran around going "IS IT WHITE OR BLACK??? WHITE OR BLACK WHY AREN'T THE BELLS RINGING???#%!#$" (careful, folks, every swear takes 5 minutes of your lives!) and meanwhile the producer is giving Don the old "keep going!" signal, and Don's all, whatever, I'm gonna talk about how I think the smoke colour is more of a burnt charcoal, or maybe a midnight ash. He's a real pro, that Don.

What else...oh, I was walking to work this morning and I saw the old dude who camps out by the Centennial Flame on the Hill with his "Adam and Steve" signs. He was about to cross the street with his little wheelie o'prejudice carrying all his signs, and I was sooooo tempted to just grab it and run away. He may have the righteousness of the Lord, but that ain't gonna help him beat me in a footrace! (Or will it?) Anyway, I decided, though, that I wasn't going to dignify his nonsense with a waste of precious energy that I need for important things, like blogging. So, props to Gillian for sending me this piece that's sure to make Preachy McHypocrite's head explode - gay penguins!

Seriously, though, it is both hilarious and depressing that the fundies go on and on about how homosexuality doesn't happen in nature. 'Cause, seriously? Have they ever owned - or seen - a dog? I mean, little bow wow (the dog, not the rapper) (well, not for lack of trying, I'm sure) will get it on with anyone or anything. I mean, it's beyond gay or straight - unless you care to assign a sex (and/or gender) to fire hydrants. I mean, the sexual practices of Man's Best Friend make even the most Bacchian human look like God's Best Friend.

RANDOMNESS! Okay, I can't think of any segue for this, but yesterday I was going to rugby practice and got changed at the Ottawa city hall, in the big disabled persons/people with babies bathroom because it's huge and I can actually spread my stuff around without worrying that I'm going to drop something in the toilet. And I'm just pulling my tearaways over my shorts when someone tries to open the door. And I shout "Occupied!" And then this person keeps trying to open the door. And I keep shouting "Hello? Hello! Occupied!!!" And this person KEEPS TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR! And I keep shouting "Hello? Hello! Occupied! Hello?" And then, instead of knocking to see if someone was in there, or clueing in to the fact that the door was locked, or realizing that the little red bar in the door handle meant "OCCUPIED" just like with an airplane bathroom, or any other thing a sane and/or reasonable person might do, this person PRESSED THE AUTOMATIC DOOR OPENER. Which, of course, did not work, BECAUSE THE DOOR WAS LOCKED.

Anyway, I got my pants on and unlocked the door, which was grinding pitifully under the strain of trying to open automatically while locked, and was faced with three non-disabled/baby carrying guys in suits. And the one guy who was closest to the door just stared at me until I was like "There's no stalls in here. It's just one bathroom." And then he was all, "Oh. Well, I guess you can't close the door now." because he had pressed the goddamn door opener and I had to force the door closed while these guys walked to the regular washrooms which were 15 FEET AWAY ACROSS THE GODDAMN HALL JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS!!! Seriously, were you RAISED BY DEVELOPMENTALLY-CHALLENGED MONKEYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE???? IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THE GODDAMN...

Er...I mean, haha! You fellows sure a bunch of c...haracters. Haha! I am a carefree, happy person, tra lala! No blood pressure problems here. Really, though, I think my big problem is that I should laugh at stupidity, not rage against it. And really, it's hard being angry at the world, and myself, all the time. Well, not hard in the "compose a symphony" way, but still.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Civilian Unrest

Those of you who watch the news might have caught a snippet or two of the big anti-homosexuality rally on the weekend. What's that? Oh yes, they called it a "Defend Marriage" rally, for the same reason that Paris Hilton is called an "actor" - because it sounds a whole lot classier than the truth. Which is that she's a big ol' no talent skank cashing in on the ancient yet somehow still marketable dumb spoiled bitch stereotype that continues to be...oh, wait.
I meant, the truth about the "Defend Marriage" campaign.

Exhibit #1 - Not getting their arguments straight. I get e-mails that tell me to stop gay marriage because gay people only represent (this varies from fundy to fundy) from 0.01% to about 3%. And then I'm told to stop gay marriage because I shouldn't be swayed by popular opinion. And then it tells me to stop gay marriage because the majority of Canadians are against it. And then it tells me to stop gay marriage or a deluge of gay people will flood Canada in order to get married. Then it tells me stop gay marriage because only a few thousand gay marriages have been performed across the entire country so gay people don't really want to get married anyway. Then it tells me about that in Canada we wear hats on our feet and hamburgers eat people. Oops, pardon me, that's the magical land of Rand McNally.

Exhibit #2 - WWJD? A huge number of the opposed Christians go on and on about God as if this was the number one issue for Him. Honestly? With all the horrible shit that's going on in the world, does anyone out there really think that "Stop gay marriage" is #1 on Jesus's "To Do" list?
All I can say is that on Saturday, when they walked in with their thousands of professionally made signs, hooked up their performance-quality sound system and then drove away on their own bus, I couldn't help but think that maybe Jesus would have taken those thousands of dollars and, like, helped to feed the millions of children who starve to death everyday. But don't take it from me - ask Him!

Exhibit #3 - The recent speech by Rob Anders. Stephen Harper's l'il buddy hates the gays, childless women, and Nelson Mandela, who are all "Who? Oh yeah, that idiot."

Exhibit #4 - Won't somebody think of the children? Geez, the fundies go on and on about this, how we need to think of the innocent kids and not indoctrinate them at young ages and protect them from exposure to information about gays because that will turn them gay - [editor's note - sorry, should have warned you guys...anyone reading this is now gay. Unless you were already gay, in which case you're now straight. Again, sorry] - and then they haul their kids out to a rally where the main topic is homosexuality! And for anyone who says "No, my kids came willingly, they really care about the issues, I say - You really expect me to believe that your 15 year-old daughter woke up this morning and said, "Gee mom, instead of going to the mall and checking out the new spring fashions, can Suzie and I make crude signs with damning allegations against the liberal minority government and its failure to govern according to the will of the people, and join you and Dad at the march today?" Or that your 10 year-old son believes that Paul Martin is "Catholic by name, hypocrite by choice?" Or that your 12 year-old firmly belives "There's no such thing as safe sex - you can bet your life on it?" (As one of my co-marchers said, "It's so true. I had sex once - and I died!")

Or, how about Exhibit #5 - the fine upstanding Marriage Defender and his homemade scrawl that read:

To fear God is to hate sin
Therefore, hate is a family value
Don't fags and dykes hate the heterosexual establishment?

Awww...thanks for coming out, Lonely Hatemonger! Seriously, I don't want to judge on appearances, but dude was...not appealing. And when you're waving a big sign around that says "I'm ugly on the inside, too!" well...let's just say that he and the "sex kills!" boy are probably already members of this.

And then Harper spoke and gave what was essentially an election speech about Liberal corruption and was all bla bla the Conservatives are going to defend marriage and then his stupid dishonest dipshit motion got voted down anyway.

Cue Nelson: HA HA!

Well, I'm all rambled out. Well, not really, but my fingers are tired. Smell ya later!

Also - here's a way interesting piece on man-dates.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

What the hell is "milk" anyway?

I saw the sign twice a week for the whole of rugby season:

Special - 2% "Milk" $3.99.

And thus my question - I know what milk is but what the hell is "milk"? It makes me think of that episode of The Simpsons with malk.

Or like my roommate, who went to take the train back home and was both amused and concerned by the fact that the trains were designated either as being late or "on time". Yes, like that. With quotation marks.

Over the last couple of years, it has come to my attention that quotation marks are probably the most abused form of punctuation. People put them EVERYWHERE, FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Like the person was making a sign and was like, huh, too plain, how can I spruce it up? Oh, extraneous punctuation is always fun! Which is fine with things like multiple exclamation points (ALL ITEMS ON SALE!!!!!) but quotation marks ACTUALLY CHANGES THE MEANING OF THE WORD OR WORDS AROUND WHICH THEY ARE PLACED (ALL ITEMS ON "SALE"!).

Like the other day, when D and I were at Crappy Tire and we passed the following sign:

Purses, Bags and Backpacks
Be left at counter

And I wanted to find the person who had done up that sign, and their supervisor as well, seeing as neither of them caught the fact that by PUTTING QUOTATION MARKS AROUND THAT WORD THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY NEGATING THE WHOLE POINT OF THEIR GODDAMN SIGN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

See, quotation marks, when you're not actually putting them around a quotation, essentially mean "so-called", or "not really" - aka a crazy little thing called sarcasm. Like if I'm writing about my trip and I have a heading that reads:
it means a hell of a different thing than if I write

So telling me I "must" leave my bag? Means I DON'T REALLY HAVE TO. Gah. People, come on! And I don't want any of your freakin' "milk" either.

Also, as long as I'm ranting on this particular subject, let me just finish with this:
QUOTE is a verb, as in "Allow me to quote Margaret Thatcher, and say "Bollocks!"" (What? She's British, I'm sure she must have said that at some point).
QUOTATION is a noun, as in "We all remember the famous Margaret Thatcher quotation, "Bollocks!""
"Hey kids? Have you spotted any abuses of punctuation? Report them in the comments section!"