Wednesday, December 15, 2004

From the mouths of morons

So, I made this promise to myself to just delete stupid e-mails without reading the stupid things that assholes had written. But I had to keep this one because it just sums up soooo perfectly the attitude of the anti-same-sex marriage e-mails I've been getting (which are outnumbered, about 100 to 1 by pro-same-sex marriage letters - yay Canada!).

Anywhere, here it is, in all its goriness:

"Currently there is debate about changing the legal definition of marriage to include Same Sex couples. Attached is my letter to you which outlines my concerns about giving Same Sex civil unions the designation of marriage.
Thank you for taking into account the desire of heterosexual couples to have their marriage recognized as being distinctly different from the unions of homosexual couples [emphasis mine]."

So far all the "Holy Matrimony" this, and "traditions around the world" that and "won't somebody please think of the children!" whatnot, it boils down to a simple fact that these people missed that day in kindergarten where you learned how to share.

Actually, it's even worse than that - because it's not like marriage is a finite thing, like a bag of cookies. If you have to share your cookies, then there's less, maybe even none, for you. But there's no such limitation on marriage - it's not like a couple of lesbians are going to come to this guy's (yes, it's a man, not that it's relevant, but hey) house and force him to fork over his marriage so they can have it.

So basically, as I have ranted before these people just don't want to let anyone else in their club. The last little vestige they had of self-absorbed superiority they could feel was that while you couldn't keep the gays out of the workforce, or the military, or popular media (and so on) you could stop at least stop them at the door to holy matrimony.

And that's really what discrimation's all about isn't it? Excluding people? And whether it's at the high school lunch table or the altar, it's an ugly, ugly part of human nature, and one that I am so proud that my country is working to eradicate.

So here's my suggestion for these people who don't want their committed relationships and those of homosexuals to have the same name: call yours something else. Let the gays have their marriage and call yours a civil union. That's not discrimination, is it? Because they'll both be equal in the eyes of the law, right? Yours will just have a different name, to show how they're "distinctly different" from gay marriage. Heck, don't call it a civil union. Call it the "Sanctified Ceremonial Parade of Homophobes who Probably Sleep in Separate Beds " if you want. Just don't complain to me - you're the ones who suggested it. You're the ones who can't share.

Friday, December 10, 2004

I take it all back

Please please please send me thousands of e-mails supporting same sex marriage. The asshats are at it again, with their stupid stupid stupid letters of stupidity. God, these people are SO DUMB. Some write short notes that say "I think homosexuality is wrong". Fine. If you're going to be hateful and discriminatory, at least make it brief and to the point. Do not send paragraph after paragraph of "AND the LORD JESUS came to MY WIFE in a vision and she cried "OH LORD, cover me in your BLOODD and here is the message that my wife was told about THE DOWNFALL OF society and BLAH BLAH BLAH I live in A BARN with my GOATS and GODDAMN WOMAN MAKE ME A SANDWICH, can't you see I'm on the COMPUTERMAJIG!@#$!$!@$!@"

The people I hate the most - HATE - are the ones who say that this will lead to the downfall of society. That society is just fine the way it is and if you change anything - ANYTHING - it will just collapse. And there's always something, isn't there? Some tolerant, forward-looking, social shift that's ABOUT TO DESTROY US ALL AAAAIIIEEE!!! Like, a hundred-odd years ago it was freeing the slaves. If you free the slaves, society as we know it will crumble! And then it was women getting the vote - next thing you know society will crumble! And men might have to make their own sandwiches!

Civil rights, right to vote for First Nations, abortion, equal pay legislation - for almost every single law that tries to make people equal, there's a vocal group of cranky grouchfaces who are all "Whah? No owning blacks? People other than white men voting? Womenfolks having control over their own bodies and chequing accounts? Sunday Night KKK call-in with Joe-Bob going off the air? Why can't things just stay the way they are!"

I just can't express how frustrating it is when someone's whole line of "reasoning" in a debate is "Change is bad". Here's a fun first-year philosophy tip - these people use a line of arguing known as the "slippery slope" fallacy, wherein your premise is that A leads to B, B leads to C, C leads to martians marrying wildebeast, and in conclusion we're all going to burn in hell.

Okay, I'm just rambling now...this whole thing started because I got a letter from a "Conserned Citizen" who informed me that if same-sex marriage laws are passed I'm going to be forced to marry my Dad and a goat, or something.

Oh well, you're all invited to the wedding, regardless.

PS. Here's an essay that made me feel better. I think it expresses exactly how I feel about a bunch of loudmouth bullies co-opting Christ (a dude whom, though I don't personally ascribe to his religion, I find to be pretty freakin' righteous and awesome) and using his name to do pretty much the opposite of what he taught.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Uncheck the box

Dear Supporters of Same-Sex Marriage,

Let me start off by saying that I'm one of you! And I love that I live in a country where, when a MP tried to introduce a discriminatory bill, thousands of people rushed to this site to voice their opinion by sending an e-mail to Parliament. But please please please - uncheck the box.

What box? The box! The one right underneath your MPs name on the letter. See it? Good. Uncheck it. Why? I'll tell you.

Because in the past week and a half most MPs have received 4596 copies of this letter - I say this because that is the amount that have come to this office. FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED NINETY SIX. And as the person who has to go through each of this e-mails and figure out by postal code if they're from a constituent and then BALEET! the remainder (about 4580) I ask you this for the sake of my index finger. 'Cause there's only so much BALEETING! one finger can take.

And the worst part is - I don't even feel good when I BALEET! these ones. I'm like, aw, another one from BC, go my province go! Oh, and BALEETED!...So please, people...uncheck the box. Canada is a wonderful tolerant society and I love it, but the only MP who cares about my opinion is my MP. That's not cynical or crass - that's democracy at its finest! Or, at least, not at its worst.

Leaving the saga of princess whiny and her love-hate affair with postal codes, I have to say that this morning was a pleasant unsurprise. I mean, nobody really expected the Supreme Court to do any different, and it's only a matter of time now before the legislation is FINALLY passed and we as Canadians can stop bickering about which genitals can marry and whether they're really married or just forming a union or as they say in Quebec, just le shacking up, and move on to things like, say, tackling child poverty, AIDS, or global security. So all in all, it was nice to start the day with a little affirmation that Canada is a pretty awesome place to live.

Although, I do have to admit that my thought process went like this when I first heard the news: "YES! Oh god, I'm going to get sooooo many e-mails..."

Apropos of nothing - this will make you laugh.