Smile or die!!!

Howdy, fellas. I was reading an article this morning about how happy people live longer than angry, bitter, yelling people (I'm paraphrasing a bit here) and seeing as I have of late been more of the latter than the former, I'm trying to turn that angry scowl upside down. Let's see how far I get!

So what's the big news today - well, God has a new best friend! It was pretty surreal when the CBC Newsworld broadcast (which is on all the time in my office and is so repetitive that even a notorious TV addict like myself now tunes it out) consisted of, for about 7-8 minutes, Don Newman trying to think of things to say over a screen shot of smoke coming out of that itty bitty chimney before the results had been confirmed. He was all "And the smoke...well, it looks grey to me. [pause] Before, the smoke was really...it was really, quite black. [pause] Again, this appears more grey than white or black. Black, of course, means that the conclave has not elected a new pope. [pause] White would mean that there would be a new pontiff. [pause] Pontiff is another word for pope. And the conclave is the group that elects the pope. With [pause] either black or white smoke, that tells us if there's a new pope or not. [pause] Or pontiff, if you prefer that term."

Actually, he did a very good job; it was just funny because I could imagine him talking over this image of a chimney while staff frantically ran around going "IS IT WHITE OR BLACK??? WHITE OR BLACK WHY AREN'T THE BELLS RINGING???#%!#$" (careful, folks, every swear takes 5 minutes of your lives!) and meanwhile the producer is giving Don the old "keep going!" signal, and Don's all, whatever, I'm gonna talk about how I think the smoke colour is more of a burnt charcoal, or maybe a midnight ash. He's a real pro, that Don.

What else...oh, I was walking to work this morning and I saw the old dude who camps out by the Centennial Flame on the Hill with his "Adam and Steve" signs. He was about to cross the street with his little wheelie o'prejudice carrying all his signs, and I was sooooo tempted to just grab it and run away. He may have the righteousness of the Lord, but that ain't gonna help him beat me in a footrace! (Or will it?) Anyway, I decided, though, that I wasn't going to dignify his nonsense with a waste of precious energy that I need for important things, like blogging. So, props to Gillian for sending me this piece that's sure to make Preachy McHypocrite's head explode - gay penguins!

Seriously, though, it is both hilarious and depressing that the fundies go on and on about how homosexuality doesn't happen in nature. 'Cause, seriously? Have they ever owned - or seen - a dog? I mean, little bow wow (the dog, not the rapper) (well, not for lack of trying, I'm sure) will get it on with anyone or anything. I mean, it's beyond gay or straight - unless you care to assign a sex (and/or gender) to fire hydrants. I mean, the sexual practices of Man's Best Friend make even the most Bacchian human look like God's Best Friend.

RANDOMNESS! Okay, I can't think of any segue for this, but yesterday I was going to rugby practice and got changed at the Ottawa city hall, in the big disabled persons/people with babies bathroom because it's huge and I can actually spread my stuff around without worrying that I'm going to drop something in the toilet. And I'm just pulling my tearaways over my shorts when someone tries to open the door. And I shout "Occupied!" And then this person keeps trying to open the door. And I keep shouting "Hello? Hello! Occupied!!!" And this person KEEPS TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR! And I keep shouting "Hello? Hello! Occupied! Hello?" And then, instead of knocking to see if someone was in there, or clueing in to the fact that the door was locked, or realizing that the little red bar in the door handle meant "OCCUPIED" just like with an airplane bathroom, or any other thing a sane and/or reasonable person might do, this person PRESSED THE AUTOMATIC DOOR OPENER. Which, of course, did not work, BECAUSE THE DOOR WAS LOCKED.

Anyway, I got my pants on and unlocked the door, which was grinding pitifully under the strain of trying to open automatically while locked, and was faced with three non-disabled/baby carrying guys in suits. And the one guy who was closest to the door just stared at me until I was like "There's no stalls in here. It's just one bathroom." And then he was all, "Oh. Well, I guess you can't close the door now." because he had pressed the goddamn door opener and I had to force the door closed while these guys walked to the regular washrooms which were 15 FEET AWAY ACROSS THE GODDAMN HALL JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS!!! Seriously, were you RAISED BY DEVELOPMENTALLY-CHALLENGED MONKEYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE???? IF YOU CAN'T OPEN THE GODDAMN...

Er...I mean, haha! You fellows sure a bunch of c...haracters. Haha! I am a carefree, happy person, tra lala! No blood pressure problems here. Really, though, I think my big problem is that I should laugh at stupidity, not rage against it. And really, it's hard being angry at the world, and myself, all the time. Well, not hard in the "compose a symphony" way, but still.