Raging Bullshit

So - I was going to post something about the stupid assholes who write toM.P.s about stupid horrible things. For about two weeks, my day was punctuated by angry e-mails/letters from people who are concerned that

a) Gay marriage is going to destroy families, society, the world and THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

b) Women who get abortions are EVIL MURDEROUS SLUTS AIIIIEEEE!!!

c) People who want to start a new life in Canada are going to steal our jobs, our resources, our candy, AND OUR VERY SOULS AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!

And so on, and so forth. You can only imagine what it was like getting these - mostly in mass mailing which I should have just deleted but couldn't help but read much like when you drive past an accident on the highway and can't avert your eyes - day in and day out. I went from "Laura, chipper new employee" to "Laura, employee who wants to put people in a wood chipper". In particular was this dude - er, no, dickwad who sent two different e-mails that will be used in my defence at the murder trial.

His first e-mail was against gay marriage, because: (see if you can follow this logic)

-During the 20th century, various wars resulted in the drafting of working-age men into the military
-White-collar instutions - banks, etc. - stopped hiring men because they didn't want their workforce to be drafted
-These institutions only hire women - except for management [because we couldn't manage our way out of a wet paper bag, tee hee!] - since they are ineligible for the draft
-Therefore, only women can get decent white-collar employment, while men cannot
-However, women [are shallow and callous and] will only marry a man who can support them [because we couldn't support ourselves out of a wet paper bag, tee hee!]
-Since men can't find decent jobs due to discrimination by white-collar male managers who fear the drafting of their workforce, and women only marry men who get decent jobs, the legalization of gay marriage would mean that women would only marry each other.

Um, so at first I didn't really know what his point was. I mean, was he angry that there was all this hot lesbian sex going on and he was never going to be a part of it? Did he think that gay people were just materialistic - all, "I love you, Brian, but Cindy here has a Porsche"? Did he think the only thing men had going for them in the mating game was the size of their wallet (which in his case is probably true)? I mean - is he angry at homosexuals, corporations, women, the government, whom?

Well, he must have heard my ponderings, because he soon dispatched a second mass e-mail. And the answer is...EVERYBODY! This guy is angry at everybody. I mean, everybody. Yes, you too. He doesn't know you, but he hates you! Especially if you have a uterus, but also everybody in the whole world! He is the angriest dude ever. Knowing this, I had to check out the gory pile-up at http://www.hometown.aol.com/sbotchie/GBurgersArticles.htm - but really, I should have just kept driving. It was a mistake. He is an angry, hateful man whose writing ruined my week.

Why all the hate? Why all the anger from him and all the other people who are just incensed over these issues? Why are they spending their precious lives trying to protect "marriage" when god knows how many starving children (and I mean, God knows) are all "Um, how about protecting me?" Why is marriage/abortion/immigration/etc. consuming every moment of their lives? WHAT ARE THEY SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT?????!$#$@%!%

Ahem...anyway, I don't know the answer, but I have a theory. Canada is moving forward. We are moving toward an inclusive and diverse culture where differences are respected and celebrated. And these angry people? I'm guessing they're pretty much lame in every respect, and the only thing going for them was (in their own minds) that at least they had more rights than homosexuals/immigrants/women/etc. No matter how much of a failure they were, they always felt morally superior to minority groups. And now? Canada is trying to give the same rights and privileges to every Canadian. And that pisses certain people off. Stupid, insecure, hypocritical people are now panicking because we're leaving behind the days of discrimination and that was the only edge they had. Now it's slipping through their fingers and there's not a goddamn thing they can do about it.

Anyway - I don't know if my theory is true, but it makes me feel better.

Also - I hope that I have succesfully enabled the "Comments" option, so I would really like to here thoughts on this subject. Or, y'know, on the subject of "Who kicks more ass - Kirk or Picard?"

And a small Australian shall lead them...

One of my favourite perks of the new job so far, aside from the solid gold office chair that says "Hey Taxpayers, Kiss my A**!", is receiving every single special-interest newsletter in the known galaxy. Accountants, firefighters, miners, accountants who like to fight fires in mines, etc. - everyone who's anyone has something out in circulation these days. Today, the protestant Christian Week and The Catholic Register tried to co-exist in the office mailbox. I browsed through both of them, as I am wont to do, both for my own enlightenment (like, who knew that "catechumenate" was a word?), and for an endless supply of giggles (c'mon..."catechumenate"??? Hee!) .

Anyway, to make a dumb story short, both papers ran a full-page add for The Passion of the Christ on their back page. Maybe Northern Ireland isn't a lost cause after all - thanks, Mel! Now if only you could deal with that pesky anti-semitism thing...

I'm an adult...soon?

Almost two years ago, a bunch of the ol' Stelly's crew of '99 met up, as we try to do, around Christmas to catch up and drink and be merry. We were discussing school and jobs and so forth, when we hit upon the topic of adulthood. When, exactly, did a young person cross that intangible line into the realm of the grown-up? After much deliberation, we decided unanimously upon the one defining characteristic of the adult:

Dental plan. Your mommy's or daddy's doesn't count.

So here I am, one week into my first job that isn't measured by the semester, and I discover while reviewing my pay and benefits package that I am an adult. Or, more specifically, I will be an adult in three (3) months, provided I am a long-term employee who for those three (3) moths of employment is paid for at least 12.5 hours of work, not including the blah blah blah sign on the dotted line etc, etc. I dunno, I guess I should be excited. Maybe I should throw a party or something, and we can do grown-up things like drink martinis and discuss paint schemes and all be home by 10pm. Actually, that sounds kind of fun...['aiiiieeeee!!!' - the 18 year old still left in Laura].

As for the job - well, props and a million thanks to Kaija, who will be earning awesome karma with finding gainful employment for this recent grad. Still, I plan on remaining the super-cool Laura Floyd you always knew. Er...make that the "kinda strange, but in a way that, while not totally cool, is at least partially entertaining (especially after many drinks)."

Putting the...y'know...back in 'Caucus'

Sooo...I'm packing my bags on July 7th (um, I mean, I was already packed! In advance! And I certainly didn't forget to bring my jacket!) when alert government employee Heather D. phones to tell me about the YOW evacuation. Of which I became a casualty. Um, not in the sense of dying or anything, in the sense of being bumped around to different planes. All in all, not too bad - they did manage to get me back to Victoria only two hours later than my original flight. However - they did inadvertently expose me to a close encounter of the Conservative kind...

So the seats at the gate for my flight to the T. are full. No biggie, I just grab one at the gate one over, Air Canada direct to Calgary. I'm sitting there, sort of reading, when this tool in a tight shiny black t-shirt and his bleached-blond companion have a seat next to me. I don't really pay much attention, mostly because I'm trying to remember the name of the MP across the floor...thank jebus for the House Page test - I spy with my little eye, someone named Art Hanger! And then - horrors, he starts walking towards me...I burrow deeper into my "Unfinished History of the World"...uh huh, fertile crescent, millet, irrigation, that's interesting...and suddenly the shiny t-shirt guy announces "Art Hanger!" and I turn in slow-mo to my left only to discover to my horror just who tight tight shiny black t-shirt guy is.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

As I sat there, they were joined by this guy. The conversation revolved mostly around how he had made his MP pin into a ring. A pretty, shiny, ring. Oooh, so shiny! Don't you think it's shiny, Rob? Oh yeah...it's simply precioussss.

Where's that air sickness bag when you need it?

Ramblin' (Wo)Man

Well, it's been a great few weeks in Ottawa...catching up with everyone, watching 200 channels of daytime TV, matching my bedskirt to my sheet set to my blinds, etc. As of July 7th, however, I will be back to my digs out West for four weeks - and big props to roomie Mo for pointing out correctly that the 7th is a Wednesday, and not a Thursday as I had originally thought. Interestingly enough, I had actually made plans for Wednesday night in both Ottawa and Victoria, but on second thought I think I'll just leave the space-time continuum as is.

My last major assignment in O-town is to finally get my freakin' film developed (ooh, "get a job" is totally jealous of "develop film" now!). I would also like to give big props, and by props I mean kicks to the nether regions to stores that REFUSE TO PUT THE PRICES OF THEIR FILM PHOTO FINISHING SERVICES ON-LINE. Which would be everybody but Japan Camera Rideau Centre, whose prices are so horrendous that...well, maybe with my one roll of film in 1hr plus CD for $26 dollars I also get to kick the manager in the nether regions. And a free doughnut. Anyway, I think I got the most angry because these places (Loblaws, Shoppers, Blacks, London Drugs) listed on-line digital services because OBVIOUSLY anyone who uses this "internet" thingy to find info MUST have a digital camera and THEREFORE taking five minutes to list the equivalent film prices is A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

By the way - Dan had his pictures downloaded to his computer and posted on his website within three days of our arrival in Ottawa.

NO, YOU'RE ANALOG!

What a Difference a Month Makes

Hey there homegirls and boys,

Yeah, so it's been approximately forever since I lasted posted...hope none of you were holding your breath...if so, I will certainly send flowers to your bereaved families.

Dan and I returned safe and sound from Europe on the 4th, and boy was it good to be in Canada again. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing trip - but you do get homesick after five months! Well fine, maybe you don't, but I do, and this is MY freakin' blog! Anyhoo, by the end of it, I was getting pretty bent out of shape over little things...like the rose vendors (here's a rerun for those of you who were at the gradumacation pary):

The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Rose Vendor

Scene: Eiffel Tower at night
Characters: Laura, Dan, rose vendor

Dan: Hey, let's go up the eiffel tower!
Laura: Cool!
Rose Vendor: (offering rose) Only one euro!
Laura: No thanks.
Rose Vendor: (attempts to put rose in Laura's arms)
Laura: (shouting right in his face) NO!!!!
Rose Vendor: (runs away)
Dan: (covers face in embarassment) Um, I don't know this girl.

But enough about Europe...well, maybe until I get my pictures developed and I remember all the crap I saw...

Props to the proud and many who came out to gradumacation - good times had by all. I know I was supposed to post the results of "Put on fridge/make a funny hat" but after several gin and tonics, there was a surprise winner - "put on kitchen table". And so the saga ends...or does it?????

Since then, I've been slooooooowly unpacking...mostly because while I have no job, I do have digital cable - slogan: "All MacGyver, all the time". But hey, I'm still preparing for the future; just yesterday I started to get ready to begin looking for a job.

And without a segue, on to politics. Like many people, I find Stephen Harper personally frightening - you know, like a clown who on the surface is all "Ha ha I'm a clown!" but underneath is all "I wonder what eyeballs taste like?" Also, if the mofo wants to legislate my body - well, he's welcome to show up to rugby practice and discuss it with the team.

And now some fun links about him and the yellow-speedo wearing MP from Wacko, Rob Anders.

Later dudes!

Talking to Americans

So we run into these two from California...we don't know their names, but Dan and I like to call them Biff and Suzie because, well, they looked like a Biff and a Suzie. First, they were really surprised that we would ever have heard of their hometown - a little place called "Sacramento". Marvel at this little snippet of conversation:

Suzie: What's that word they keep saying? 'Donkey'?
Laura: Do you mean "Danke"?
Suzie: Yeah, that. What's that mean?
Laura: Um...it means "Thank you".
Suzie: Oh, that's great! [practicing] Donkey. Donkey!!!

It gets worse...overheard at a train station:

Elderly Couple from the South: Excuse me - is there a McDonalds in this station?
Helpful Eurail Woman: Um...I don't think so. There's one about a 10-min walk away.
ECS: That far? There isn't one in here?
HEW: No - but there is a Burger King.
ECS: Ew...Burger King...

Aw...funny how travelling is supposed to open your mind, but I find that it just perpetuates the stereotypes I always had! Like how the French are rude, Germans are efficient, Italians can't make their goddamn trains run on time so you miss your connection even though you should have had 20 FUCKING MINUTES TO SPARE...etc, etc.

Although I gotta say that my presumptions about the Swiss being orderly and dependable were a little shaken up when we ran across four off-duty soldiers in the Brig train station, semi-automatics in one hand and beer can in the other...

And now for something completely different: Heart & Crown, Ottawa, June 8, 9pm. Be there or be the only kid on the block not to have a vote on the hot topic of "Laura's Degree: Put it on the fridge or make it into a funny hat?"