So - three flights in two weeks and my brain is about to explode. I can only take so many arbitrary, unfounded and asinine "security measures" before the part of my brain that processes logic and reason (a small node, nestled between the part that produces sarcasm and the part the contains my undying love for Skittles) overheats and shuts down.
So - a bunch of dudes were allegedly going to blow up a bunch of planes using liquid explosives. Now, apparently airline security measures are put in place by people whose scientific knowledge of explosives comes primarily from watching Die Hard: With a Vengeance, and films of that ilk with their totally-stable-separate-but-mix-any-small-amount-together-and-BOOOOOMMM variety of binary-liquid explosives.
But here's the rub - THEY DO NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE. So what the hell was going in the heads of the people who came up with this "security restrictions"? I imagine it's something like this:
"So, this plot was "near impossible"? Says who? Us administrators of transport security can't listen to a buncha scientists, for goodness sakes! Evolutionary, revolutionary, Big-Banging, godless scientists! What could those four-eyed geeks possibly know about The War on Terror, stuck in their little labs with their little white coats and their little nerdy glasses, just waiting to be wedgied....no, it's far better to just ban all liquids than to have to listen to a bunch of geeks lecture us important people on the actual real threats to planes! We'll just ban all liquids from planes! Oh wait...I think I remember from some high school science class...biometry or something...that people have to drink...okay, we'll ban all liquids except beverages. But those will only be served in cups, not bottles! Because bottles are dangerous. I mean, look at cousin Jimmy - lost two fingers to a bottle rocket!"
I mean - HOLY FUCK. After 9/11, if you wanted to bring an unsealed, unlabelled container of liquid on the plane (like, say, a FREAKIN' water bottle) - they made you take a sip. Ta da! No mysterious liquid here! But now - not only can you not bring ANY liquid of ANY sort into secuirty - you can't even buy a bottle of water at the gate or on the plane. Because, secretly, terrorists have also discovered the secrets of alchemy - sure, Starbucks can sell the contents of a bottle of water - but if they allowed people to take the actual bottle, terrorists could use their evil powers to turn it into - um...that mysterious explosive that only terrorists know about. But fortunately, some quick-thinking security experts foiled that plot by making sure the contents of the bottle are poured into a cup! HA! Take THAT, terrorists! Because even the stupidest morons to ever crawl out of a dog's anus know that you can't perform alchemy in a plastic cup!
Anyway - two last thoughts to wrap this up.
First of all - check out the fabulous piece at McSweeney's, which sums this whole issue up much better than my Skittle-infused brain can (especially the one called Your Flight Three Years From Now - scroll down).
Second of all - I found it very fitting that the hand-drawn signs posted up on the now-dangerous vending machines in the airport read:
Do Not Use
Due Security
1 comment:
Man!!! All that plane talk and you fail to mention any Snakes on a Plane?!?
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