Plato Strikes Again

"Wise men talk because they have something to say, fools, because they have to say something."

Boy, is that ever my motto when I'm going throught e-mails in the morning. I bet if I did the stats, it would turn out that there was a direct correlation between the volume of messages an individual sent and how much of an asshat they are.

Like this one guy who is constantly sending these essays about how all the world's ills are due to our "decaying moral fabric". Uh huh. That's what he says. I guess that explains the smell. I thought it was all the SUVs and the treatment plants on the river - nope, just our decaying moral fabric. Pee-yew! And what has caused this? Well, basically, that women work outside the home and teachers can't give students the strap anymore. Also, that The Passion of the Christ didn't win any Oscars. No, really. He says that. For real. Seriously!

These last couple letters have been in response to the recent tragedy outside Mayerthorpe. The point this guy was making is that it wasn't a problem of a batshit psycho crazyman having guns - nope, that's not what murdered these officers. It's single parent families and the lack of a male role model! Funny, 'cause I could have sworn that it was a batshit psycho crazyman with guns. I guess I - along with EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD - must have misunderstood that part. We don't need to restrict crazy people's access to guns, no, we just need to find them a Father Figure...maybe Sandy Cohen?

And just when I thought I'd met my daily quoto of foolish people - along comes another letter who says the problem is neither guns nor bad dads but - marijuana!

Now, I realize that the media has been making a big deal about this "grow-op" bust. However, a friend of mine who's dating a mountie says that him and his fellow officers are pretty peeved at the focus on marijuana, 'cause apparently this guy had, like, four plants. The problem wasn't that he was growing the marijuana needs of a small fraternity, it was that he was A BATSHIT PSYCO CRAZYMAN WITH GUNS!!

But no, says fool #2, not only was marijuana the problem but (and I quote) "that any one who uses Marijuana, who sells it, who grows it, they ALL share in the guilt. Their hands are just as red with the blood of these officers as the one who pulled the trigger. "

Uh huh...O...kay. I get it. This person is just playing the fun new "Six Degrees of Separation - from a Heinous Act!" Let me try. A guy in Alberta murdered four RCMP officers - there were marijuana plants at his place - I've used marijuana - therefore, I murdered 4 RCMP officers. Hey, three degrees! That's pretty good for a first try. Wow, this is fun. Okay, okay, how about this one? Let me see...alright, a guy in California abandoned his attempt at suicide and his car on train track killing 10 people - the car was an SUV - I've seen SUVs before - I've never tailed them to make sure they weren't going to be parked on train tracks - therefore, I killed 10 people in a California train wreck! Huh, four degrees! Maybe I can do better with SARS. Thanks for the great idea, fool #2!

And - word, Plato.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Big first for me today - first time I can actually walk normally after a day of snowboarding. Went up for half a day on Sunday with gorgeous conditions, lost about an hour and a half of quality time to the most monstrous rental bindings ever, but got those exchanged and went about my business cutting up the green runs like nobody's business. And only 80% of all snowboarders under the age of 12 are better than I am now. Boo yah! A pretty awesome day, all considered, except for this part:

Floyd: [snowboarding]
Skier: [from behind] Fuck fuck fuck!
Floyd: [gets hit from behind by skier, face plants]
Skier: [loses skis and poles slides several feet down the hill]
Floyd: [looks downhill at skier with face full of snow]
Skier: [who is, in fact, a fifty-something woman] Goddamn motherfucking kid!
Floyd: [24 years old, puzzled]
Skier: [more profanity]
Floyd: Are you okay?
Skier: [Pauses mid-profanity, snaps] Yes, I'm fine. [more profanity]
Floyd: I'm okay too, by the way.
Skier: Fuck, well good for you.
Floyd: Well...good for both of us [snowboards off awesomely!]

Yeah, I didn't really know what to say to her. I was just really, really confused by her reaction, seeing as SHE HIT ME, and a little thrown off by the potty language because, really, do you kiss your grandkids with that mouth? But I was fine, except for my eyes which were a little sore from having her lime green jacket and bright purple tights all up in my face, and my virgin ears, which were still reeling from those awful cusswords from that fucking fuckface, and Dan and I got two more runs in and I only had one bad non-skier-related-wipe-out the whole time so all in all it was my best day of snowboarding ever.

Hey I just thought of something - Ross Rebagliati not only used marijuna, he was also a snowboarder and Olympic gold medal winner! Now I'm guilty by association twice. Thank God I don't have an Olympic gold medal - sucks to be you, members of Canada's national hockey teams!