It’s the end of the world as we know it…

I hope you’re all packed for Armageddon. I have to admit, I’m not – I’ve been so busy getting ready for a July in Beautiful British Columbia including a week on the West Coast Trail that I forgot all about how our country only has about 8 hours left before it becomes a fiery hell on earth. If not for the phone calls and e-mails from dozens of upright prophetic citizens, I might have been caught totally unprepared for this evening when absolutely nothing changes . . . I mean, when the floodgates of Hades open and the Devil’s hench-demons spill out into the streets amidst evil acts to sinful to be described.

Oh, you Judas of a Parliament – how could you vote on such an infernal bill as C-38 and doom all of us (either all Canadians, or the entire world, the upright prophetic citizens seem to be in some disagreement on that point, but, regardless) to a fate worth than death by poked in the eye by a hench-demon with a flaming hot Hell-Poker 3000© ("For all your infernal eye-poking needs"), which we will likely suffer anyway.

Anyway, as you can imagine, it was a little upsetting when I got into work this morning only to be told of this imminent disaster. I had no idea that God was so upset over C-38. How could I have been so blind? All the signs are there – um, apparently. I don’t actually see them, but these upright prophetic citizens do, and if you can’t trust random people you’ve never met who send out mass e-mails, than who can you trust? Oh, that reminds me, I need to contact that Nigerian oil heir right away – I’ve been selected as a partner for a pretty lucrative business transaction and . . . oh, right, the world’s ending. Nevermind.

Where was I? Right, the signs. Well, first of all, there was that tsunami last year. I thought it was a result of a shift in the earth’s crust, which caused a earthquake which in turn displaced a massive amount of water. Nuh uh! That? Was God. Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but I guess if you look at it in a special way, an unbelievably destructive natural disaster occurring thousands of kilometres away is clearly a sign to Canadian lawmakers that He is very upset with them over this whole same-sex marriage thing. It was pretty nice of Him to warn us by killing hundreds of thousands of Southeast Asians instead of, say, hitting Vancouver with a meteor. Or striking down Paul Martin with a lightening bolt, as was predicted a few months ago by other upright prophetic citizens, who, I suppose, have their off-days like anyone else.

And there have been other signs too – like how all the provinces and the territory which already have same-sex marriage are in complete anarchy, with roving groups of homosexuals and their friends performing shotgun marriages in the street, forcing women to marry women and men to marry men and farmers to marry livestock and children to marry their imaginary friends of both sexes and gardeners to marry plants and oh, the humanity! I myself was forced to marry the a spoon last week. Oh well, I suppose I could have done worse.

So, maybe it’s for the best that the Canada and possibly the world are ending tonight. I don’t think I can live in this hellhole any longer! There were absolutely NO PROBLEMS in Canada two years ago when Ontario first tugged at the loose thread that is same-sex marriage, and since then, the entire Canadian social fabric has completely unraveled. What? Proof? You want me to back up a completely unsubstantiated statement of sweeping generalization with proof? Heathen! Look, Canada sucks right now, okay? It’s a simmering cesspool of sin and despair, with tortured inhabitants praying for the sweet embrace of death, and if you can’t see that, well, you’re obviously getting left behind. Have fun being poked in the eye.

Sorry, sorry . . . just got a little swept up in the moment there. Who am I kidding, anyway? I’ll be seeing you all in Hell, as a nice little reward for our “tolerance” and “inclusiveness” and “not judging others” and “loving our fellow humans” and “wanting to live peacefully with all of His marvelous creations” and all that other shit that God just hates.

I guess I should be more upset, what with the His impeding wrath and all, but what can I say? It’s been a good run. Save me a seat next to the lake of fire. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.