Dear contributor to my already obscene amount of personal wealth,
Congratulations on purchasing the single greatest movie trilogy of all time, the digitally-remastered Star Wars Episodes IV through VI. You may have heard that this edition features the cleanest, sharpest footage of these classic movies, painstakingly restored to their original glory. Well, it's true! I had all three films meticulously cleaned and digitized until the droids sparkled and the lightsabres popped. All for you. That's how much I love you, and all the Star Wars merchandise you buy.
You may also have heard that I've updated them...again. Now, based on what little of the outside world I allow to penetrate the sanctified walls of Skywalker Ranch, I have come to believe that a certain rebellious faction were less than pleased by the updates I made when the Star Wars films were re-released theatrically in the late 90s. I believe the term "butchery" was used. You know - a couple of new CGI backgrounds here, a couple of new CGI characters there.What can I say? CGI back then was the Emperor, and I was weak. I was led down the path to the darkside.
Many of you saw the DVD-release as my opportunity to make up to those I hurt the most, my most loyal fans. And so did I! And as I was preparing those DVDs for release, I knew what I had to do. Heed the calls of the fans and release the original theatrical versions with remastered picture and sound and God intended?
No. That would be the easy way out. I had to release a new version, a third version, and prove to all those pimply virgins that when it comes to Star Wars, I am their God, and they'd better like my freakin' creation because it's all they're going to get. If you can't appreciate my unquestionable genius, you can go kiss a wookiee.
Now I know a lot of people out there over the age of 10 have fond feelings for the original theatrical versions, and may tell me that they were just fine as they were, what with the record-breaking financial success, the cultural impact, the landmark achievement, blahblahblah. Look, those first three were good, I'll give you that. But let me ask you this - if Leonardo DaVinci were alive today, would he leave the Mona Lisa as it was just because it was "pretty good?". Because it was a "cultural landmark?". Because there's no need to "update a classic, because classic implies that it's already a timeless creation in its original form?" Hells no, people. If he was here, that lady would not only smile, she'd wave and say "Go buy the Star Wars trilogies on DVD!". Because even DaVinci knows a superior artistic genius when he sees one.
Now, the first time I remastered those movies, that was a mistake, sure. I was eager to jump on the CGI bandwagon. But on the bright side, it did give me the much-needed experience to create the world's first fully-animated character in that unanimously-adored fellow, Jar-Jar! And, when all of you flocked to the theatres, I knew I had a hit. So, no more location shooting for me! No more focussing on narrative and character development! Wacky creatures, slapstick comedy, dialogue more unnatural than most porn films (and I should know), and action sequences which look like they were designed by the ADHD kid next door! And, most importantly, all the CGI you can cram in! THAT'S what makes a great movie!
And those movies gave the know-how to finally give you the version that you've all been waiting for. That's what all my closest advisors tell me. "Yes", they say. "Put in that scene with Jabba the Hutt in Episode IV where Han calls him "a terrific human being" because it was originally filmed with a fat man, but why let that stop you?" Or, "Yes, I think that Hayden Christensen should be in Return of the Jedi, at the very end. Please don't fire me." Or "Yes, what all those movies need are new CGI-aliens all over the place, in random scenes, for no apparent reason, I agree completely, please don't throw me into the digitally-altered pit of the Sarlacc like you did with that guy who kept quoting to you from fan letters that started with "Dear Imperial Asswipe"."
So, enjoy your Star Wars Original Trilogy Version 3.0 DVD box set! And for those of you wondering how I sleep at night after all I've done to a treasured part of our cultural mythology, the answer is "on a pile of money, surrounded by many beautiful she-droids".
May the Force Be With You!