Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Extreme Makeover: Canadian Edition

Hey, it’s not every year we get a completely remodeled Cabinet! It’s more like every 18 months. Aw, sorry Paul, low blow.

If you are like me (a supreme dork) then you spent the better part of yesterday morning watching the swearing in of the new Cabinet, as well as using your supreme intellect and unquestionable judgment to appraise each choice quickly and with 100% infallible accuracy. So here they are, in order of precedence (which is a fancy term of saying “seniority”, based on when the were first elected, how long they’ve served, the most senior position in which they’ve served, whether they let Harper get to second base, etc.):

The Honourable Robert Douglas Nicholson:
Leader of the Government in the House of Commons and Minister for Democratic Reform

I don’t actually know anything about this guy. I remember being amazed to find out that Canada once had a Minister of Science. I don’t think we ever had a Minister of Math or a Minister of Social Studies, but that’s likely because there’s no obvious choice for a theme song.

The Honourable David Emerson:
Minister of International Trade and Minister for the Pacific Gateway and the Vancouver-Whistler Olympics

Biggest shock of the morning – the former Liberal Minister of Industry shows up at Rideau Hall for the swearing-in. First reports that suspect senility (“What? But I came here last year…”) are later proven to be false as he walks away with not one, not two, but three portfolios, and provides the fodder for the best quip of the morning, care of Peter Mansbridge, over footage of Emerson talking to Nicholson “Oh, now he’s saying to Rob Nicholson, “Hello, I’m David Emerson.””

AND! I can’t wait for all those Cons who called Belinda a prostitute and whore when she crossed the floor after 11 months of being at odds with her party to start calling Emerson “David Bigalow, BC Gigolo”. Huh guys? Anything? He’s a dirty slut, right? Hellloooo? Anyone there?

The Honourable Jean-Pierre Blackburn:
Minister of Labour and Minister of the Economic Development Agency of Canada for the Regions of Quebec

I don’t know this guy either, but he seems nice enough. I like his hair. It’s fun and fancy-free. It’s all, yes, I can afford $200 haircuts, but I’m not gonna get one!

The Honourable Gregory Francis Thompson:
Minister of Veterans Affairs

He’s one of three Ministers from Atlantic Canada. He also has a shiny head.

The Honourable Marjory LeBreton:
Leader of the Government in the Senate

Alright, who let the woman in here? Listen, when Stephen said you were going to be in Cabinet, he meant the kitchen cabinet where the sandwich fixin’s are.

Ha ha! Just a little humour at how a group of 27 people made up of 21 middle-aged white guys are going to be directing federal policy for the next however many years. Not that I am scared! Not that I am going to go lock up my uterus somewhere secret!

LeBreton, though, appears to be kick-ass. I heard good things about her on the campaign trail, such as stepping in when a bunch of volunteers/campaign workers were trying to intimidate a lone female protester (“Hey lady, nice uterus!”). Maybe LP can share some insight into her awesomeness, or lack thereof.

The Honourable Monte Solberg:
Minister of Citizenship and Immigration

Here’s where the role of the critic and the role of the Minister differ. The Minister needs to set policy and direction for his department. The critic needs to nag the Minister constantly about how his policies and directions suck and he’s a stupidhead. Therefore, Monte’s many, many years as Finance Critic in no way qualify him to be the actual Finance Minister. However, they do, apparently, qualify him to be the Minister of Citizenship and Immigration. Hey, immigrants – your policies and directions suck and you’re all stupidh…er, I mean, welcome to Canada! Er, no, I mean, sorry, no vacancy! Er I mean…excuse me, I need to go blog.

The Honourable Chuck Strahl:
Minister of Agriculture and Agri-Food and Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board

I’ve always had a soft spot for Chuck because a)He looks like he gives great bear hugs, and b)he should do books on tape because he has this really low, rumbly voice, like Mufasa. Or Darth Vader. On a sad note, he’s been diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer because of his exposure to asbestos while working in the lumber industry years and years ago, and he’s not likely to make it past a couple of years, so I hope he has a really awesome time in Cabinet, and goes to negotiations all tough-ass and shit, like, don’t fuck with me, WTO, I got two years to live and I’m taking you corporate ass-kissers with me!

The Honourable Gary Lunn:
Minister of Natural Resources

My number one memory of Gary is from Nath’n’s grad. Everyone student got to write a little something, and his was (and I’m paraphrasing here, Nath’n, so correct me if I’m wrong) “Nath’n would like to remind to remind everyone that with height comes wisdom.” And then Gary came on later to speak and was all, “Gee, I hope he’s wrong!” because Gary is about two feet tall.

And yes, Gary – maybe he’s wrong, but, in that case, what’s your excuse?

The Honourable Peter Gordon MacKay:
Minister of Foreign Affairs and Minister of the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency

At least it’s not Stockwell Day.

The Honourable Loyola Hearn:
Minister of Fisheries and Oceans

Here’s another example where being a Critic in no way prepares you for being a Minister. Only in this case it’s worse, because the Fisheries Minister has tons of power that other Ministers don’t, so there’s way more pressure from everyone, and Loyola’s spent the better part of the last two terms nagging the former Minister and he was smart enough to not want to have the Fisheries portfolio but not smart enough to avoid getting stuck with it anyway. Welcome to the suck!

The Honourable Stockwell Day:
Minister of Public Safety

Aw, fuck.

The Honourable Carol Skelton:
Minister of National Revenue and Minister of Western Economic Diversification

History in the making – the first female Cabinet Minister from Saskatchewan! Also, after decades of farming, is 60 but looks 45. Unlike Harper, who is 48, but looks like he just ate a puppy.

The Honourable Vic Toews:
Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada

Stephen Harper: I can change the definition of marriage back to “one man + one woman” without using the Notwithstanding Clause.
134 Constitutional experts and leading legal scholars: Um, no. You can’t.
Vic Toews: Yes he can! Yes he can! Shut up! You’re all stupid lalalalalalalalala I can’t hear yoooooouuuu!!!

The Honourable Rona Ambrose:
Minister of the Environment

“Hey guys. Rona here. So, a lot of you are wondering, “How does a 36-year-old former civil servant, communications consultant and sometimes columnist become one of the youngest Cabinet Ministers ever and one of the most powerful people in Canada ?”. First of all, it helps to be a hot woman. Then you get to be in lots of pictures with Stephen, so that he can be all “Look! We DO have women in our caucus. Hot ones!” Second, be wicked smart. Third, make sure to hide just how smart you are so as to not make the old boys nervous. Fourth, wear lots of sparkly things to distract those old boys who might be catching on to just how wicked smart you really are. And finally, make sure to keep everyone guessing about you and Harper feel! About the Kyoto Accord, that is.”

The Honourable Michael D. Chong:
President of the Queen's Privy Council for Canada, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs and Minister for Sport

“Hey guys, Michael here. So a lot of you are wondering, “How does a 34-year-old former IT geek and NHL fanboy become…hey, where are you guys going? Look, I’m wearing a sparkly tie! Hello? Hello!”

The Honourable Diane Finley:
Minister of Human Resources and Social Development

Alright, four women! Now they can play bridge!

The Honourable Gordon O'Connor:
Minister of National Defence

Now, Gordon, you are, despite my best (well, mediocre) efforts, my MP. So here’s a little bit of insight for you:

Last weekend DD and I were in the mall, and there were all these Canadian Forces exhibits set up – Army Engineers, Tradespeople, Navy, Airforce, etc. And most of them were pretty vacant, but there was one with a big crowd of guys – young boys, teenagers, twenty- and thirtysomethings and whanot. And that was the one where they had all the machine guns and bazookas.

No, I don’t know what it means. You’re the Minister of Defence, you figure it out.

The Honourable Beverley J. Oda:
Minister of Canadian Heritage and Status of Women

Logical choice. Provides experience and political savvy. Also provides some of the ethnic diversity for Harper’s Cabinet. By which I mean “all of it”.

ALRIGHT! That’s enough. My brain hurts. Good thing I didn’t do this for the Liberal Cabinet last year, when there were 37 of those bastards. There’s eight left, and I will sum them up thusly: "Looks like every other guy named "Jim"" guy; “Used to hit on you at frat parties” guy; “Always volunteers to be the office Santa and not in a perverted way” guy; “Don’t I look distinguished with my grey hair” guy, “Don’t these glasses make me look smart? Take your medicine!” guy; “I’ll trust you with my money when you trust me on my hair colouring advice” guy; “Typical Quebecoise impeccable fashion and grooming that make anglo women feel hopelessly inadequate (also, now we have enough for a volleyball team!)” gal; and “Want to make the PM contradict himself twice on the same day by appointing a non-MP to Cabinet and then announcing his first Senate appointment? Ask me how!” guy.

That’s it…I’m bushed. Later skaters.

1 comment:

Courtney said...

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird for politicians to blog? Wait a minute, maybe it's good. Here's my theory: I think it's weird because I subconsciously think that politicians are these non-human entities who make big decisions for our country and must keep their private lives secret and mysterious so that we continue to trust them...or so that they think we are trusting them. And as soon as they reveal to the world that they are addicted to burn almonds they become human and how can they expect us to take them seriously ever again? So my conclusion: politicians blogging is good, but weird.