Seal of Approval!

Dear Celebrity of some note,

It's that time of year again: the glamourous people of the world are flocking to Canada for the nation's signature cultural and economic event. No, not this one. Or this one. Or even this one. No, the one that brings together musicians, tv stars, and aging European sexpots:

SEAL HUNT 2006! The place where all the most CARINGEST famous people go to care!

Looking to branch out from "celebrity" to "celebrity who cares about something"? Aspiring to be a recognized humanitarian with all the prestigious awards and glamourous events that entails? Trying to find that perfect cause that only lasts a couple of weeks and affects one of the most stable, if not overabundant, species in the world, so that when it never goes extinct or even gets so much as edangered you can give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back in between hot stone massages and rolling in a pile of money? Well, this is the one for you!

Bring your hip waders! Wear your fanciest toque! Remember, EVERYTHING goes with white! By which we mean the adorable white fluffy baby seals that you will be photographed with! They're so helpless, they can't get away when you want to shoot them - with a gun or a camera! And fortunately, only the former is illegal, so you can get still get your pictures with them instead of their big ugly parents who'd probably just swim away or try to bite you, and who would look terrible during an awards night photo montage.

Here's what our satisfied customers have to say:

"I love all animals. That's why I'm a vegetarian. That's also why I'm protesting this hunt. Also, my hot, much-younger, former- model wife and I sure looked fab next to those adorable baby seals! Thanks, seal hunt, for giving us an easy out in the field of eco-activism! I'd love to do more to help the plight of the tens of millions of animals brutally butchered in slaughterhouses, but I don't fancy smelling like dung. Cheerio!"
Paul M, England

"These seals are a beautiful gift to the world. Beautiful things must be protected. I should know. If only I'd worn sunscreen when I was young and super-hot. Now, if the world runs out of seals, they will be coming for my pelt."
Brigitte, France

"I wish I really was the characters played on my hit shows, because then I could build a gate to another world using only an empty TicTac box, a spoon, and some ductape. Then my military unit and I would take all those precious baby seals with us to safety. Of course, once they outgrew their cute stage, we'd dump them back on Earth to take their chances with all the other animals, and Fred Savage."
Richard, USA

What are you waiting for? Sure, you could pick something a little more pressing, like third-world debt relief or AIDS, but those are wide-reaching, complex issues with no easy answer and real consequences to the earth and humanity. Maybe some people want the fates of poverty-stricken masses on resting on their shoulders, Bono , but do you? Maybe some people want to piss off the global-military-complex, Michael Moore, but wouldn't you rather just piss off a group of people that can't actually retaliate in any way, like economically-disadvantaged Canadians? 'Cause they don't get much more economically disadvantaged than the Newfoundland fishers and Inuit hunters who participate in the hunt!

Time is running out - for you to get that photo of a lifetime next to an ungodly adorable creature! This year, pick the cause that fits your busy lifestyle - pick Seal Hunt 2006!

Sincerely,

Whoever it is who keeps organizing this goddamn thing every year